Don't wait to become the person you want to become [NQM023]

On 29 April 2007, while organizing a counter-offensive to an Ambush in Al Anbar provice in Iraq, 1st Lt Ryan Manion was fatally shot by a sniper while aiding a fellow wounded Marine. He left behind his parents and sister. Ryan’s mother, Janet Manion, started the Travis Manion Foundation in his honor.

Along with hosting the annual 9/11 fallen heroes run, the organization strives to unite and strengthen communities by training, developing, and highlighting the role models that lead them. We develop programs, training opportunities, and events designed to empower veterans and families of the fallen, and then inspire them to pass on their values to the next generation and the community at large.

I often highlight the tremendous valor of service members on this page, but the courage displayed by the family and loves ones they leave behind is tremendous in its own right. They did not volunteer to serve and pay the ultimate sacrifice, ye they have to live with the eternal burden of never seeing their loved one again. Travis’ sister, Ryan Manion, together with Heather Kelly (surviving spouse of Marine 1st Lt. Robert Kelly) and Amy Looney Hefferman (surviving spouse of US Navy Seal Brendan Looney), wrote the book “The Knock At The Door”. Brendan Looney and Travis Manion were roommates at the Naval Academy, best friends, and buried side by side at the Arlington National Cemetery.

I can honestly say this is one of the best books I have ever read. It offers a tremendous, and often underappreciated, perspective of how Gold Star Families deal with tragedies and struggles. There are so many valuable lessons in this book for anyone that is struggling to stay afloat for whatever knock at the door they may get in life.

From the USNA Memorial Hall: “Travis made the ultimate sacrifice in the Al Anbar province of Iraq. He, his fellow Marines, and Iraqi Army counterparts were ambushed while searching a suspected insurgent house. 1st Lt. Manion led the counterattack against the enemy forces. He was fatally wounded by an enemy sniper while aiding and drawing fire away from his wounded comrades. His selfless actions allowed every member of his patrol to survive. For his actions, he was awarded the Silver Star and Bronze Star with Valor.”

Jocko Podcast 201: Life is precious, short, and unpredictable. Don’t wait to become the person you wan to become

Jocko and Echo did yet another tremendous job interviewing Ryan Manion. This is in my opinion one of the best podcast episodes I have ever heard, and led me directly to buy the book. Highly suggest a full listen.

Only you can be held accountable for the transformation: The fact is, grief will transform you.  Whether you are grieving the identity you once had or the loss of a loved one, at some point you will look into the mirror and won’t recognize the image staring back at you. It is inevitable, maybe you will be proud of what you see or maybe you will be ashamed. At one point, I bet you will be both. The most important thing you can tell yourself is that you get the last word. Only you will determine how your experiences will change you, and only you can be held accountable for that transformation.

Making the decision to change your life: In mid-May when the funeral services were over and my parents extended family and friends were gathered in the living room, my dad remembered his promise to Travis. I am still going to run that marathon he proclaimed. I’ll run too, Tom, said his younger brother. So am I, said his sister-in-law. One by one people picked up their heads, hardened their gazes, and had committed to 26.2 miles in honor of Travis. I was conveniently engrossed in a tread in the carpet when I felt a dozen pairs of eyes landing intently on my face. I was an athlete in college but that was almost 5 years earlier, had given birth to my daughter only 10 months earlier, and hadn’t run as much as a 5K in ages. But those stares were burning a hole in my skin and thankfully my bold-headedness kicked in. Finally I said, “Alright ill do it, I mean how hard can it be”

Taking it one day at a time: At the end of that first 1 mile run, wheezing forcefully and doubled over in pain I gave myself a pat on the back. Good job Ryan you are done now, go home and drink some water and chill. But make damns sure you show up for tomorrow’s run. That’s how it went everyday for 4 months, no matter how slow ugly or painful the run was, I completed it. There was no 26.2 infront of me, there was only today.

On the quitter’s conversation: I got to mile 18 and at this point the wheels had all but come off. At this point my brain was not able to bully my body into behaving. Everything hurt. I slowed to a walk and began the debate with myself that any distance runner knows well. 18 miles is great, you should be proud of yourself, there is no shame In stopping now, you just lost your brother, no one expected you to get this far. Quite now and leave with your body and joints still intact.

On gaining strength when she needed it the most: The Marine Corps marathon ends at the US Marine Corps War Memorial. It is an incredibly powerful sight and when you come upon it at the end of the marathon you feel every bit as tired and strong as those men huddled together to raise that American flag. I did not care if my leg was going to fall off, I bounded into a full sprint. I pushed forward and grabbed Aunt Susan’s hand and together we crossed the finish line and then I collapsed

How a race can change you: I can honestly say I am a different person because of that race. Pushing myself through that training and navigating the emotional and physical stress taught me a lot about myself and even more about grieve. It took me years to process my brother’s death and years more to organize what wisdom I could possibly gain from it. It’s only after more than a decade of reflection I can share what I now know.

Ignorance is sometimes the best tool, don’t ignore it: What you don’t know ‘ hurt you. This advice is usually given sarcastically, but consider the wisdom of that phrase. If I had know the physical mental and emotional toll the race would take on me I wouldn’t have run it. I would have become paralyzed by fear and self doubt. But fear and self-doubt often keep us from knowing our own strengths. If I had never run that race, I would have never have discovered what I was capable of achieving.

Don’t wait to become the person you want to be: I beg you please don’t wait. I had no idea how tough I was, why did I wait until Travis was dead to find out. My only regret about that Marathon in 2007 is that it didn’t take place in 2006. You know who would have loved to run and train with me? Travis. Something that requires focus and discipline was far more up his alley than mine. He would have been so proud and we would have had a ball together. I am not the same woman I was when he was alive, I am better, I am stronger. Why did I wait for him to disappear to become the woman I wanted to be.

On recovering after her mother’s passing, 5 years after her brother passed: During the following six months, I slowly reclaimed myself. Life slowed down, and I started to focus on my mental health. That didn’t mean I threw physical activities aside, quiet the opposite. I finally began to understand what dad meant when he told me to go for a run when I wasn’t feeling myself. Exercise has a tremendous positive effect on the mind. I was using simple exercise as a tool to help with my mental state.

Find that which makes you authentically happy: To break away from the unforgiving pattern for searching for unmatched joy you need to do one very important thing. You need to be honest with yourself. No more self-deception. For the longest time I had lied to myself how happy and fulfilled I felt, frankly it was easier that way. I lied about things so they would make me feel happy and fulfilled. If I just stay busy I thought. Maybe your story may be different. If I just lose a few more pounds, if I just earn a few more thousands dollars this year. Then I’ll be happy, then I’ll be ok. Once we shed those deceptive stories, we create a space what actually does make us authentically happy. We all look for love, acceptance, purpose, but often look for them in the wrong place.